Unforgiven
by zephyran
Summary: Something different: An older, bitter Squall Leonhart looks back on his life, to the lyrics of Metallica’s “The Unforgiven”. Rated for suggestive scenes and language. R & R, please!


Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VIII and all related characters are the property of SquareSoft. "The Unforgiven" is owned by Metallica. This fanfiction is authorized by neither SquareSoft or Metallica, nor is the author is receiving any payment for writing it.

  
  
  


UNFORGIVEN

  


Squall Leonhart walked slowly into the "Secret Area" attached to Balamb Garden's Training Center. He only passively noticed the students that were there after hours, in violation of Garden regulations. Several couples were in various stages of making out, others were talking, and still others were sitting, thinking quietly to themselves.

A few of the students, when they saw Squall, stood up straight in fear and saluted him. Squall gave them a sidelong glance and waved them off. Quickly, they ran back down the stairs, praying they would not be punished by the Headmaster.

_You'd think they'd know by now_, he thought. He had made an unspoken agreement with those that frequented this place. They did not tell anyone that he went there, and he wouldn't punish them for being there. Shrugging, he walked over to his usual spot. Squall often came here late at night to brood, as it was the farthest he could get from Garden without actually being _outside_ it. And, as it was on the roof of the Training Center, which itself was far detached from Garden proper, it offered a splendid view of Garden.

Squall never came for the view, though. In fact, he didn't even choose this spot because it was the exact one Quistis had stolen him away to, all those years ago, from his Graduation Ball. _God, that seems like a million years ago,_ he thought, leaning on the railing and hanging his head.

It was the one spot where he found the thrumming of the Training Center's air handlers was perfectly in-tune, and provided nice white noise to help quiet the strife within his head. Today, in particular, he needed some mental cleansing.

_Four years ago today. That day was one of the worst days I've ever had, and I've had more than my share of bad days. _ Squall ran a hand through his hair. At thirty, he was beginning to show more years than he had actually experienced. He was starting to sprout gray hairs, especially in the stubble that seemed to magically reappear on his jaw and lip about an hour after shaving. His eyes, once burning with determination and duty, now bore the weight of the world, and he looked as if he was always struggling to keep them open.

_Just how did I get here?_ he asked himself. _I was the son of a woman that lived in Winhill, of all places. Next to Fisherman's Horizon, Winhill is the most pacifistic country in the world._ The answer was simple: his mother had died giving birth to him, and his father, the now Ex-President of Esthar, never bothered to come find him. _"Too many pressing matters", my ass._ He smacked his clenched fist into the stone railing as he remembered the excuse Laguna had given him.

So, Squall had been shipped off to an orphanage, where he'd lived with seven other children. When Ellone, who was like his big sister, disappeared, he was left alone in the company of his peers. Although Matron Edea took good care of him, he never felt a motherly love from her. Perhaps she knew her fate to become Ultimecia's puppet, or perhaps Squall was so lonely he didn't allow himself to feel loved. Either way, his childhood, although unhappy, was probably the closest he had ever gotten to contentment.

Shortly after Ellone's disappearance, the orphans that hadn't been adopted were all shipped off to a new institution created by Cid, Edea's wheeling-dealing coward of a husband. That institution was Balamb Garden, the first of the Garden network. Even the orphans that _had_ been adopted ended up there, as if fate had written for them to all be there.

In that place, they were taught to be soldiers, to fight and earn money for Garden. Squall remembered his first year there as a harsh slap in the face. Garden was only a few years old, and they were still treating the children as if they were adult recruits (those that became the first SeeDs). Although their treatment by the Faculty eventually became more parental and less disciplinarian, the damage was already done. Fortunately, Squall only remembered snippets of that time. No one else had remembered any of it.

_New blood joins this earth  
And quickly he's subdued   
Though constantly discouraged  
The young boy learns their rules_

They were given something that even other Gardens refused to allow their students to use. Those magical beings, called Guardian Forces, became something Squall both loved and hated. Although GFs had the amazing ability to give magical and other supernatural powers to their users, they also were able to conveniently remove any unwanted memory baggage. Skills were left intact, only the memories that defined a person were erased. The GFs were tools to create the ultimate soldier: willing only to fight, knowing only that they fight for Garden and SeeD.

_With time the child draws in  
This whipping boy done wrong  
Deprived of all his thoughts_

Of course, Cid both officially and unofficially denied that he knew GFs would cause long-term memory loss. But by the time they had found out the consequences firsthand, not only were their childhood memories all but gone, but they were doomed to continue losing memories for the rest of their lives, even if they never again equipped a GF. Squall had made a point of documenting everything he experienced, along with memorizing mnemonic reminders, so he would never forget who he was, and the struggles he'd endured. He swore that, although he would never betray the Garden that fed him and housed him his entire life, that he would keep his individuality. Furthermore, as he gained more authority in Garden, he'd gradually phased out GF use, instead training students other methods of using magic.

Yet, he still couldn't fight the programming that had been driven into his mind. More and more, he suspected that the GFs allowed Garden to more easily control people; not only be robbing them of their identity, but by placing direct control on their thoughts. Squall had felt that gentle push often enough. The smooth, sexy cooing of Shiva. The godlike, deep commanding of Quetzacoatl. The sinister ramblings of Diablos. Yet, although his resolve had been weakened by his loss of memories, he had always remembered the pledge he'd made to himself. He was all alone. He would make it on his own. He would show everyone. He would not let them fully take away his will from him.

_The young man struggles on and on he's known  
A vow unto his own   
That never from this day  
His will they'll take away_

All his life, that he could remember, he was content to become a SeeD and fight for Garden's causes. All of those causes started and ended with money. But that wasn't his concern. He would be paid well, treated well by Garden and with respect by others in the world. But then, the Second Sorceress War started. That was when Headmaster Cid showed his true colors. Not only was Garden created for the primary purpose of "defeating the Sorceress", but the Sorceress was his wife, Edea. When it came time to fight, the old man fled.

Yet, he didn't hesitate to assign Squall, a fierce fighter but still a very new SeeD, as the leader of all SeeDs against the Sorceress. Squall didn't have a choice in the matter, and instantly everyone was looking to him to make the decisions.

Squall looked up into the sky. As if on-cue, a shooting star streaked across the heavens. It was a reminder of yet another duty, but one that was fortunately taken away from him before it completely destroyed him.

As if being a military leader at age seventeen wasn't bad enough, he was being forced to deal with a budding "romance" with one of Garden's clients. He had first met the hypnotizing, raven-haired Rinoa at the SeeD graduation ball, and she had managed to crack his protective emotional wall. The next day, he met her again when his squad was assigned to assist her in the "liberation of Timber from Galbadian rule." It was such a lofty goal for one who wasn't ready to do the work necessary, nor to face the consequences of her own actions. But that was not his concern. His orders were to assist her and follow her orders, and Squall could not disobey.

Now, he certainly was attracted to Rinoa, he had no doubt of that. There were some nights, even to this day, that he dreamed of the sex they had shared several times, and felt the animal desire to have her again. However, desire is not love, he was sure of that. Everyone, even his best friends, had not only assumed he had feelings of love for her, but they pushed the "couple" together, practically forcing them into marriage. At the time, Rinoa had been more than happy to accommodate them, but Squall had been more realistic. Rinoa was nice enough, but she was so forceful that he felt his programming kick in whenever she was near, forcing him to feel "love" for her. Only in his heart did he know it was not true.

_They dedicate their lives  
To running all of his_

He did the best he could to satisfy her, not only because he _did_ feel attraction toward her, but also to placate everyone else, and get them off his case. As an older adult looking back, he realized what a fool he'd been. He should have told them it was his life, and they needed to let him make his own choices. Instead, he did what they thought he should do, because he wanted to make them happy.

_He tries to please them all  
This bitter man he is_

After a few years of being together, Squall and Rinoa had both seen the folly of their attempt at a relationship. Rinoa, still a child at heart, was not ready to settle down with someone who had been an adult since age nine. Her upbringing as the spoiled rich daughter of a Galbadian General and a world-famous singer did not prepare her to live with, marry, and bear the children of a man who had been orphaned by a mother who'd died and a father who abandoned him, and who'd spent nearly his entire life at a military academy. She disappeared one night, leaving a note of apology and the Griever ring that Squall had given to her.

Squall, despite himself, felt a tear begin to form in his eye. As much as he tried to detach himself from his emotions, it was difficult at times. Squall didn't really love her, but as he stood in the Secret Area, hearing the pleasurable moans of a young woman being caressed by her boyfriend, he felt he would rather have stayed in a pointless relationship, just so he didn't have to be alone anymore.

The morning after Rinoa had left, Squall had initially considered going after her. However, he decided then that her leaving was all for the best. He knew she had feelings for him, but he doubted that even her feelings were true love. He knew she couldn't live the life he'd chosen, because she still hadn't decided what she wanted out of life. She had become a revolutionary to spite her father, and had given up on it instead of seeing it through to the end. 

The last Squall knew, Rinoa had three children and was living in Deling City. Whether all three children were from one man, he didn't know. He had no reason to believe they were not, but he didn't know if she was married either. He never cared enough to try to find out.

Squall turned his head southwest, in the general direction of Deling City. _Wherever you are_, he thought, _whatever you're doing, I wish you luck. And...I hate you...for bringing me hope. And taking it away._ He shook his head. He felt so confused, these days more than ever. He wasn't sure if he was just tired and overworked, or if his psyche had suffered permanent damage. He didn't even have the energy to care.

After Rinoa left, Quistis began attempting to get close to Squall, always trying to become his shoulder to cry on. She dropped her "big sister" act and started pursuing Squall again, like a lioness on the prowl. 

Squall liked Quistis well enough, and was quite attracted to her, but was not ready to allow himself to have any romantic feelings for her. Although she acted like she wanted to understand him and be the one in whom he could confide, he could tell she ultimately wanted him physically. Most men (especially Trepies) would have jumped at the chance he was given, but Squall wasn't ready to give himself to someone. Especially not to someone that had at least as many issues as he had.

He saw through her veil of caring, and found that she had her own personal demons with which she needed help. Squall knew he would do her no good in trying to help her until he cleared out his own closet. After he told her such, she apologized in the last words she had ever spoken to him: "I didn't mean to be such a pest." Shortly afterward, she quietly submitted a transfer request to the new Esthar Garden. She left days later, never even seeing Squall again. She had regained her Instructor's license in Esthar, but when Squall sent her a message of congratulations, it went unanswered. Neither person had heard from the other since then.

As Quistis left, Squall's group of friends was slowly dwindling. As much as he'd learned to care for them, he had begun to see that not all of them cared for him. After Quistis was gone, Squall hoped that he would at least be able to keep one friend close by. Just one person that cared whether he lived or died.

Squall sighed, picked up a small stone from the floor, and threw it as hard as he could toward Garden. He heard it clack against some other stones further down the Training Center roof, before it came to rest among its fellow rocks. Squall imagined that it, like he, was a stranger among its peers, and if it were alive, would have felt the same as Squall always did. Then, maybe, Squall wouldn't be alone in the world.

Quistis' abrupt departure was far from the end of Squall's pain. In fact, the worst event of his life was a SeeD exam that occurred three years later. The exam was simple: the students were supposed to defend a Trabia hill against an army of "Returners", a rabble who saw themselves as "soldiers of Sorceress Adel." They sought to take Trabia Garden and use it as a launching point for attacks on Balamb Garden, for its part in the destruction of Adel. A simple job for skilled SeeDs, and a good exercise for late-year students. 

However, during the mission, enough of the candidates choked to force the SeeDs monitoring them into action. Two of those SeeDs were Combat Instructor Zell Dincht, and SeeD Captain Selphie Tilmitt. They fought extremely well together, almost immediately forcing the Returners back down the hill toward their base. However, one of the Returners used a concussion rocket to start an avalanche. The Returners and most of the SeeDs and students escaped unscathed. Most.

As she was helping get the students out of the path of the falling ice, Selphie's foot got hopelessly caught in some tree roots. The students and SeeDs all ran, ignoring her cries for help. Only Instructor Zell heeded her. He immediately ran to free his comrade, refusing to abandon her even as the wall of snow struck them with the force of a speeding train.

Both were drowned in the massive pile of snow, although the possibility was considered that Selphie died of shock, as the force of the avalanche snapped her lower leg off at the knee. Squall had spent days with the rescue squad searching for them, and had been the first one to see their frozen bodies. At that moment, his life was irrevocably changed for the worse. He had lost the two people he dared call true friends. They hadn't cared about him because of what he could do for them, or what he could give them. They cared about him because of _who he was_.

Squall buried his face in his hands. Reliving that tragedy was too much for him, but the years had taught him to deal with it with little outward emotion. He pressed his palms into his eyes, hoping the pressure would force thoughts of his friends out of his mind. However, as his remaining memories were all he had, he allowed them to flow forth.

_Selphie. Dear, sweet Selphie._ Always so spunky, so cheerful, even in the most dire of situations. Squall had never told her, but she had always been able to lift his spirits even when he felt things were hopeless. Where Squall had become an adult at nine years of age, Selphie was still a kid in a woman's body, even when she was twenty-five. She loved riding in trains, always giggled, and danced happily to any kind of music. He'd found it ironic that she was also an expert with demolitions, explosives, and hijackings. Yet she was the sweetest woman he'd ever known. If he'd ever had true feelings toward a woman, they would have been for her. However, her heart had always belonged to the womanizing Irvine Kinneas. Squall had accepted that, and instead chose to have her as his friend. 

Zell, likewise, was always so full of energy and life, and was ready to go the extra mile for his friends. Squall would be the first to admit that Zell often acted without thinking, but as the martial artist matured, he began to grow out of that. He became an expert at mechanics, electronics, and, of course, hand-to-hand combat. Although at first, Squall had been put off by Zell's ostentation mannerisms, he grew to admire the man, and saw him as his best friend. Squall had even helped him get together with his fiancée, and was to be the best man at the wedding. 

When Squall delivered the news of Zell's death to his future wife, she didn't cry, scream, or even collapse. She stared blankly into his eyes and told him point-blank that it was his fault that Zell died; that the students' failure was the failure of their Commander. The next morning, when she didn't report for duty, she was found on the floor of her dorm room, wearing her wedding dress, having run herself through on her own broadsword. That day, that horrible day, was the the closest Squall had come to taking his own life.

Squall's self-loathing was his one true adversary, even surpassing his perpetual loneliness. All his life, Squall had fought against enemies both seen and unseen. He was growing very tired of the fighting. Only the sense of duty he had, and the need to do as he had been ordered, kept him going. In his hour of mental weakness, the programming he'd previously resisted gained a firm foothold in his mind. It would not allow him to kill himself. All he could do was continue to do his duty as SeeD Commander.

_Throughout his life´s the same  
He's battled constantly  
This fight he cannot win_

Then, when things seemed at their worst, they became even worse. About a year after Selphie and Zell died, Cid passed away of a massive heart attack, right in the middle of a strategic meeting with Squall and the other headmasters. Squall did his best to try to resuscitate him, but Cid's heart could not be coaxed back into action. Since Selphie and Zell had died, Cid had grown more weary and detached. Some had thought it was a product of his middle age, but Squall knew how much Selphie and Zell had meant to him, like a daughter and a son. Cid had given up, and had died on the day Selphie and Zell were lost. It just took his body a year to catch up with him.

Squall stared out into the distance, the shock of the passage of time once again burning in his stomach. _Four years ago today. Cid died on this day, for years ago. Funny, still feels like his spirit is here, watching my every move. I hate it._

Upon Cid's death, Squall was unanimously elected (without his knowledge) to succeed Cid as Headmaster of Balamb Garden. Squall tried to refuse the job, but the remaining three headmasters would not accept a "no" answer. Grudgingly, he accepted, and thus continued his downward spiral into total misery. He aged about fifteen years in the past four, and found himself becoming much more tired and caring less and less about himself. It eventually got to the point where it didn't matter to Squall whether he lived or died.

_A tired man they see no longer cares_

Afterward, he buried himself in his new work, trying to quiet the soul that screamed out for change. He knew that he was working himself toward his own heart attack, but he didn't care. He suspected that, perhaps, that was what Cid had been working toward all along.

Out of curiosity, Squall pressed his two forefingers to his throat and felt for a pulse. Still strong, he thought. I suppose I have a few more decades to go.

Shortly after Cid died, a distraught Edea left Garden to go live at the old orphanage at Centra, wanting to start again. Irvine, who loved and remembered Matron more than anybody still living, chose to go with her. He resigned his SeeD commission and moved with her to become her knight. Although she was no longer a Sorceress, and he couldn't love her in the way to truly make him her knight, he swore to protect her, and make her comfortable for the rest of her days. 

To Squall's knowledge, they still lived there. Squall had been tempted to visit them on may occasions, but he had decided to leave them alone, to not force them to revisit the pain that was Garden. It was enough that Squall was forced to live there. Edea and Irvine, who had stood by Squall through thick and thin, deserved their freedom.

Squall knew he was finally alone. Once he'd gotten used to having his friends nearby, they were taken from him, one by one. 

_The old man then prepares  
To die regretfully  
That old man here is me_

Squall laughed out loud despite himself. A few of the other patrons of the "Secret Area" glanced at him strangely, but then turned back to whatever, or whomever, they were doing. Squall came to the sudden realization that his life had had no meaning whatsoever. His mother dead, his father had abandoned him. Raised as an orphan, he was fashioned into a killing machine, then into a leader of killing machines. Now, he was Headmaster, responsible for creating new killing machines for the next generation.

Squall found himself reminded of a couple passages from a prose he'd once read when he was a student:

_"What I've felt  
What I've known  
Never shined through in what I've shown  
Never be  
Never see  
Won't see what might have been_

What I've felt  
What I've known  
Never shined through in what I've shown  
Never free  
Never me  
So I dub thee unforgiven"

At the time, he hadn't understood what it meant. Now, though, he had a feeling he knew what inspired the author to write it. _Never free. Never me._ Squall had always been, even to this day, a slave to what others wanted of him. He never took on a personality, because he didn't need one to follow orders. He couldn't be himself, because there was no place for individuality for a soldier. Especially not for a leader.

His face grew hot as he thought about all the times he was supposed to be in charge, but was still doing what everyone else told him. Quistis and Xu came up with the "Commander" title. He hated it. He hated them for it. But he was stuck with it.

_You labeled me  
I'll label you_

_Damn you two. And damn you Cid, for leaving me with these responsibilities. Damn all of you!_

He looked up at Garden, shining bright blue and white in the night. Looking so pristine, so gentle. But he knew what was inside. Pain, and control, and hate. He stood straight up and stared at it, a look of pure hatred on his face. He thought to himself, _Rinoa. Quistis. Xu. Cid. Balamb Garden, all of you. I dub thee Unforgiven._

Squall looked at his watch. _Twelve-thirty._ He decided it was time to go to bed, so he'd be rested up enough to work his butt off the next day, as always. For a second, as he'd done every time he stood in this spot, he considered leaving Garden to start a new life elsewhere. However, Garden was all he knew, and he knew he had a duty to the others there. Despite the programming that he was constantly fighting, he knew that he could make a difference, and hopefully prevent others from living in the same hell he had since birth. That was the only willful reason he had not murdered himself.

Slowly, Squall turned around and headed down the steps back toward the Training Center. A man growing old, he prayed both for death and salvation in the next day. Either one would be preferable to his life as it was.

For he was also Unforgiven.

  
  


Author's Notes: This fic has nothing to do with any of my other fics. It's a darker look at Squall's life long after the events in FFVIII, as well as at Garden and SeeD as a whole. The fic isn't a "Bashing" fic; it's my idea of how a bitter Squall may see the other characters of the game, and his own tragic life. Let me know what you think! Oh, yeah...Metallica rules!


End file.
